Review: Nomad by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

Somali women (via)

Reviewed by Christina

Full title: Nomad: From Islam to America: A Personal Journey Through the Clash of Civilizations

Published: 2010

It's about: "Nomad: From Islam to America: A Personal Journey Through the Clash of Civilizations is a memoir by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a sequel to her New York Times bestseller Infidel. Released in the United States by Free Press, it deals in greater depth than the earlier book with certain aspects of the author's childhood in Somalia, Kenya and Saudi Arabia, and in particular with her family, as well as with her exile from Holland and her present home with the American Enterprise Institute in the United States. The book is highly critical of Islam and the multiculturalism which the author sees as enabling its extremism, and makes the controversial case that moderate Christian churches should seek actively to convert Muslim believers." (wikipedia)

I thought:  As you may remember from my Top Most Inspirational Characters post ages ago, I very much admire Ayaan Hirsi Ali.  Her first memoir, Infidel, blew me away.  I've thrust it into the hands of many friends and family members.  So it makes perfect sense that Nomad would sit on my shelf, unread, for nearly two years, right?  After finishing Infidel I learned that Ms. Hirsi Ali now works at a conservative think tank here in the U.S., and (don't hate me now) that made me reticent about Nomad.  I was worried I wouldn't like it as much and/or that it would diminish my fangirl feelings toward her.

And yes, Ayaan Hirsi Ali falls to the right of me on certain political (especially economic) issues.  I can't quite get behind the scathing blame she places on multiculturalism.  And here and there I felt she was using experiences from her own personal and family life to support her ideas rather than drawing the ideas out naturally from her experiences as she did in her first memoir.  But I'm pleased to report that I like her just as much now as I did before reading Nomad.  We agree on a lot of social issues; she is a fierce feminist who places the practical lives of women above any religion or ideology. (See the nonprofit she founded, AHA.)  And her perspective is invaluable.  If there is anyone on earth qualified to criticize Islam and our Western cultural attitudes toward it, it's Ayaan Hirsi Ali.    

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf.  And Infidel too.

Warnings:  Some disturbing (but factual and important) material related to rape and female circumcision.

Favorite excerpts:  “It is easy to be disgruntled if you are denied rights and freedoms to which you feel entitled. But if you are not coherent, if you cannot put into words what it is that displeases you and why it is unfair and should change, then you are dismissed as an unreasonable whiner. You may be lectured about perseverance and patience, life as a test, the need to accept the higher wisdom of others.” 

What I'm reading next:  Les Misérables by Victor Hugo

Review: The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Anne Taintor

 Reviewed by Christina
I read this as part of A Year of Feminist Classics.  Head on over there for some discussion about it! 

Published: 1963


It's about: "In 1957, Friedan was asked to conduct a survey of her former Smith College classmates for their 15th anniversary reunion; the results, in which she found that many of them were unhappy with their lives as housewives, prompted her to begin research for The Feminine Mystique, conducting interviews with other suburban housewives, as well as researching psychology, media, and advertising. She originally intended to publish an article on the topic, not a book, but no magazine would publish her article."  (wikipedia)
The book, now a classic, served as the spark for 2nd-wave feminism.  Thanks to its widespread readership and popularity, Betty Friedan was able to connect with other feminists and take measures to change the situation of women in the United States; she started NOW in 1966.

I thought: Wow, was this a reading experience to remember.  Rarely do I read something that makes me examine my own life choices and the culture that influences them.  I honestly feel a little twilight-zone-y after reading The Feminine Mystique.  More about that in a minute.

1st ed.

Though it's nearly 60 years old now, the basic tenets of The Feminine Mystique are still sound: Housewifery is not fulfilling in itself for most women, especially for women who were drafted into it by societal default rather than making an educated, informed, mature decision.  And yes, it's important to develop one's own identity first, rather than depending on husband/children/home to supply that identity.  Every person deserves to express him or herself through creativity, leadership, and/or meaningful work.  These ideas are not radical to most modern readers; we accept them as basic "right to pursue happiness"-type truths.  But in Betty Friedan's time, these things needed to be said.  They needed to be argued for, and she lays out the history of feminism and antifeminism brilliantly.

The Feminine Mystique will probably be most strikingly relevant (eerie, really) to readers who, like me, come from an especially conservative religious background.  There are still communities in which "career women" are vilified and all women are expected to embrace SAHM-ness as their divinely-appointed role.  That's why I think this book was a healthy one for me to read.  I feel justified in wanting more than I get from staying home with my kids, and I feel better about taking anti-feminist religious teachings with a grain of salt, now that I know a more about the cultural history that may have had a strong hand in creating them.

One of the typical criticisms about The Feminine Mystique is that it is grossly and offensively outdated in its references to and research about homosexuality, and yes- that absolutely stood out to me.  It's very uncomfortable to read.  Another criticism is that it focuses on the plight of middle to upper-class white women, brushing everyone else under the rug.  That's unfortunate, too- there is a heavy dose of privilege here, with housewives complaining about how they want more out of life while other, unmentioned women are living in dire circumstances.  But I justify Betty Friedan's perspective with a little "ends justify the means" philosophy: The Feminine Mystique led directly to 2nd wave feminism, which in turn resulted in changes to improve life for ALL women- not just desperate housewives.  

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf.

Reading Recommendations:  I wish I had read this in closer tandem with Perfect Madness, which is a sort of updated version.  If you're interested in the subject and you haven't read either, read them together and tell me what you think!

Warnings: Journalistic/statistical discussions about sex.  Nothing graphic.

Favorite excerpts: “In almost every professional field, in business and in the arts and sciences, women are still treated as second-class citizens. It would be a great service to tell girls who plan to work in society to expect this subtle, uncomfortable discrimination--tell them not to be quiet, and hope it will go away, but fight it. A girl should not expect special privileges because of her sex, but neither should she "adjust" to prejudice and discrimination”

What I'm reading next:  Cairo Modern by Naguib Mahfouz

Review: The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart

Thought I'd add a little personal touch -- this is me at 26 weeks pregnant

The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It

Reviewed by Connie

Published: 1999

It's about: The Mask of Motherhood is a series of critical essays examining the physical, emotional, and psychological effects that motherhood has on women. Its premise is that we have a cultural taboo against discussing any of these radical changes, so new mothers are entering this transformational period completely unprepared for what lies ahead. Different essays specifically examine pregnancy, child birth, breast feeding, new motherhood, the juggling act, and marital relationships.

I thought: I cannot believe I only found this book because I stumbled across it in a thrift store and thought it looked interesting. Why has no one ever told me about this book before? Why has no one ever shoved a copy in my hands and forced me to read it?

As an expecting new mother, I have found myself feeling rather ambivalent about the drastic changes that are about to take place in my life and marriage. At times, I am unbelievably excited and can't wait to hold my baby boy in my arms for the first time. Yet there are plenty of other times I am so overwhelmed and overcome by anxiety that I can't sleep for nights on end, and just the sight of a onesie or a pacifier makes me sick to my stomach with worry.

Up until this point, I have found most resources for new mothers unhelpful, to say the least. Most of them are split into two camps -- 1. the motherhood is so beautiful, babies are such miracles, and when the baby comes, all is wondrous and glorious, and there are lots of rainbows; or 2. motherhood is the most difficult and least rewarding thing a woman can ever do; it's really hard, and it mega sucks. The former seems ridiculous and unrealistic; the latter, hyperbolic and unnecessarily negative.

Somehow, this book strikes a cord somewhere between the two. Maushart manages to communicate the extreme and unexpected difficulties of pregnancy, childbirth, and mothering while not stripping motherhood of its due credit or praise. In other words, somehow Maushart is simultaneously brutally honest and empowering and comforting.

Plus, though it's a series of critical essays, Maushart mixes in plenty of personal anecdotes and humor to make this very readable. I don't necessarily agree with all of her assertions, but it is a thought-provoking, well-researched book well worth a read. As it was published in '99, many of the statistics are over 10 years old, but I think the issues discussed are still very much relevant to the struggles of mothers today.

All in all, this book has better emotionally prepared me for motherhood than all other resources I've encountered -- combined.

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf. Just as I believe We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love is a must-read for any person who enters marriage or a serious relationship, I think this book is a must-read for any woman considering motherhood. I suspect it would be a useful read for those who are already mothers as well.

Reading Recommendations: Just read it. Just do it. And then give it to all your expecting friends.

Warnings: none

Favorite excerpts:
"Professionally, financially, socially, and spiritually we are primed for achievement. The more we can do, the more we should do. But the more we do, the worse we feel. And the sillier we look. It is surely worthy of note that the word contemporary women use more than any other to describe the management of their lives is the verb 'to juggle.' The women Friedan described felt as if their lives had been tranquilized... For women in the 1990s, by contrast, life is hyper-caffeinated; it's going so fast we can't assimilate it, let alone enjoy it. Yet when things slow down, we go into withdrawal, panicking that we must be somehow missing out. We are indeed the generation of 'women who do too much.'"

"Childbirth is one day, more or less, in a woman's life; motherhood is forever. Yet like gawkers at the empress's new maternity outfit, we steadfastly resolve not to notice. Other observers have noted that we devote more care to the licensing of automobile drivers than we do to preparing adults for parenthood. It's a point worth pondering. Limiting our education for parenthood to prenatal classes is a bit like limiting driver education to defensive strategies for getting out of the driveway. No one would dispute their usefulness, but they can only take you so far."

"To see motherhood properly, I am convinced, is to see it heroically, which means making full acknowledgment of the pain, the dangers, and the risks and taking the full measure of glory for its exquisite rewards. When we consider the inaugural maternal experience -- the journey we call childbirth -- the epic nature of the undertaking emerges with startling clarity. The drama of childbirth foreshadows both the pain and the power implicit in the journey ahead. Thus, it can function as a kind of prism through which the wider experience of motherhood is refracted."

What I'm reading next: The Return of the Native by Thomas Hardy

Review: How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

Caitlin Moran

How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

Reviewed by Ingrid

*I received a copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[A quick one this time!]

Published: 2012

It's about: This memoir is structured around typical female experiences (with chapter titles like, "I Start Bleeding!" "I Need a Bra!" "I am Fat!" "I am in Love!"), with (often very funny) stories from Moran's life sprinkled with feminist critique.

I thought: Moran's humor is a bit ... strong. She uses lots of capitalized words and exclamation marks. However, I think her chatty, enthusiastic, funny voice made her feminist critique easy to digest. It's like ... Pop Feminism. Is that a thing?

Verdict: In between. I loved the idea, but delivery was a bit much for me. I'd probably give it something like a 7 out of 10.

Warnings: Language, some sexual content.

Caitlin Moran, with her Glamour Women of the Year 2012
award for Best Writer

Favorite excerpts: "I distrust this female habit of reflexively flagging your own shortcomings. Not the breezy, airy witticism in the face of a compliment--'Lost weight? No. We're just in a larger room than usual, darling.' 'You think my children are well mannered? I have wired them with small electrodes, and every time they misbehave, I punch the BAD KID button in my pocket.' That's fine.
     No--I'm talking about the common attitudinal habit in women that we;re kind of...failing if we're not a bit neurotic. That we're somehow boorish, complacent, and unfeminine if we're content."

What I'm reading next: Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on love and life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed

Review: Tributary by Barbara K. Richardson

via

Reviewed by Connie

*I received a complimentary advanced review copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Published: September 15, 2012 (tomorrow)

It's about: This book follows the life of Clair Martin, who begins life in a Mormon settlement in 1870s Utah. Her life's journey takes her away from the teachings of the Mormon church, all the way to Louisiana, and finally back to Utah as she struggles to define who she is and what she believes.

I thought: I debated with how personal I should get when writing this review, but as the book centers around a strong female character who abandons her Mormon upbringing because it seems too patriarchal, and as I myself am a Mormon feminist, I finally concluded that my most valuable insight into this book is from a more personal perspective. So forgive me for this different style of review.

Clair Martin is certainly what the book blurb professes her to be -- a strong female who will bend to neither man nor religion. Richardson does a fair job of developing her character (though this is not true for the other characters, who tend to be over-simplified). She also does a commendable job writing about the allure and appeal of the Western landscape to those who have history there. However, the list of Richardson's successes ends here.

Obviously, Mormonism plays a huge role in this book, as the heroine begins her journey in a Mormon settlement in Utah and spends the book trying to define her religious beliefs. The author was a practicing Mormon early in life but left the church shortly after starting college in NYC because she found the church's teaching incongruous with her feminist beliefs. As a Mormon feminist myself, I was particularly interested in reading her perspective.

However, after carefully considering her treatment of the Mormons, I can't say that Richardson writes about Mormon history in a thoughtful, circumspect, or carefully considered manner. Instead, she simplifies, reduces, and vilifies Mormon history. For example, there is not a single Mormon character who is genuinely a kind, compassionate person. They are all creeps. All the men, especially, are sex-craved maniacs looking to force women into submission. **some spoilers here** The one character -- a bishop -- who at first appears to be genuine turns into a creep when he asks 18-year-old Clair to be his third wife. And when Clair later finds true love, she loses him when he returns to church activity and runs away to become a polygamist with three teenage wives. Another creep.**end spoilers**

Richardson's Mormon settlement is reduced to one elaborate, patriarchal scheme, headed up by a greedy Brigham Young and perpetuated by perverted men in leadership positions looking for sex and domination.

I would have respected and enjoyed the book much more had Richardson tried to depict Mormon history -- particularly in relation to the women -- more accurately and fairly. It is a complicated and nuanced past that Mormon feminists today still struggle to fully understand. Richardson's reductionist portrayal adds little to the conversation.

Verdict: Rubbish Bin

Reading Recommendations: Readers interested in learning more about the complicated relationship between Mormon beliefs and feminism should turn to more thoughtful books, such as Joanna Brooks' Book of Mormon Girl (read our review here).

Warnings: one scene of rape

What I'm reading next: Still working on Sophie's Choice. It's a long one.

Double Review: Beyond the Sling and Why Have Kids?

Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way by Mayim Bialik

Why Have Kids? by Jessica Valenti

Reviewed by Ingrid

Published: 2012

They're about: While both Beyond the Sling and Why Have Kids? would be shelved in the "Parenting" section of your local bookstore, they are two very different books.

Mayim Bialik has the more "traditional" parenting book; using stories of her own experience, she describes specific parenting techniques and explains why they work. Bialik advocates Attachment Parenting, a parenting style whose major tenants are co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, and gentle discipline. Bialik claims that this is the most natural and intuitive style of parenting.  Much of the book is written like a memoir, with very short sections explaining the science (Bialik has a PhD in neurobiology) and statistics. She hits on all those things listed above as well as her experience with natural birth, breastfeeding into toddlerhood, elimination communication, and natural home remedies. Bialik argues that you should always do what's best for baby.

Jessica Valenti, however, isn't interested in telling you the best way to parent. She is more interesting in exploring how the messages about parenting within our society are often harmful to parents and children. Valenti challenges her readers to think critically about the choices they make and how they affect their children, their lives, and the rest of society. Interestingly, Valenti goes through a list of almost the exact same issues that Bialik writes about and directly challenges them with lots of statistics. Valenti argues that you should NOT always do what society tells you is "best" for baby, because often those things may not actually be best, and because doing those things reinforces the expectation that women need to sacrifice pretty much all of their time and energy to raise a happy, healthy child when that is not necessarily the case.

Mayim Bialik via

I thought: I don't have kids. But I like reading parenting books, because I'm cool. I also really like Mayim Bialik, because she's smart, articulate, funny, and I like the soothing sound of her voice. The thing that intrigues me most about her, though, is that she is both a Modern Orthodox Jew and a feminist. Women who identify as feminists AND as members of strongly patriarchal religious groups always stand out to me, because I am one myself - I identify as a Mormon feminist. A lot of people think these things are conflicting. They often are. But I think that having a strong stake in two conflicting communities provides more opportunites to explore questions pertaining to both communities in new ways.

Case in point: in Beyond the Sling, I was specifically interested Bialik's point of view regarding the intersection of feminism and the strong family values that stem from her religious views. The principles behind her parenting techniques were very appealing to me. She claims that attachment parenting encourages children to make strong emotional connections with their parents that will later translate into strong, healthy relationships with other people, as well a healthy sense of self-confidence. Those are certainly things I want for my future children, things I think most people want. This parenting style takes some MAJOR, commitment though, and I mean MAJOR. Bialik is literally involved with her children 24 hours a day - whether she's breastfeeding (on demand, day and night, until the child no longer shows an interest,) watching her child's body language to be able to discern when the child needs to be taken and held over the toilet to "eliminate," (sometimes this is every 15 minutes,) sleeping next to your child (and thus waking up every time they wake up,) watching them for any signs of sickness or discomfort, carrying them around every where you go in a sling, etc, etc. That is exhausting just to think about. However, Bialik seems to imply that the strong emotional connection to create with your child when you make this sacrifice is empowering to both mother and child.

While I still had Bialik's book on my mind, I saw Rebecca's review of Why Have Kids? a few days ago and borrowed a copy on my kindle right away. The first thing I noticed is that Valenti has a much more polemic tone to her writing. Bialik wants to gently suggest what might work best for you, and constantly reminds you that she knows there are many different kinds of parents with different circumstances and blah blah. Valenti wants to force you to confront the implications of your choices. A little jarring at first, but definitely effective. This is important stuff, after all. And it worked on me. By the end, I was all fired up and eager to explain to my husband about all of the unfair, unrealistic expectations put on mothers in our society.

Interestingly, both of these books were written by mothers who identify as feminists. I think this points to the fact that feminism is growing and evolving to encompass many different possible life choices and points of view, while still holding to the principle that women should hold an equally-valued place within society. I think this is a very good thing.

Jessica Valenti via

Obviously it's up to each parent to decide how to raise their child. I think it's worth reading both books and thinking carefully about which issues are most important to you and can benefit you and your child the most. However, these arguments can get a little exhausting. If you need something to lighten things up a little bit, I like this article.

Verdict: Stick them both on the shelf. Or maybe check them out from the library.

Reading Recommendations: Since these book address many of the same issues from different perspectives, it's quite enlightening to read them together.

Warnings: None.

Favorite excerpts:
"What I have discovered, and what I seek to share with you, dear reader, is this: you already know the majority of what you need to know to be an incredible parent. It was only when I believed this and began to apply it consistently to my growing family that my anxiety, worry, and exhaustion began to lift. It was then that I truly began to enjoy being a parent and to see myself as a successful parent; not a perfect parent, and not always the most patient parent, but a sensitive, loving, and confident parent who truly loves this life I have chosen." -Bialik

"Families that don’t force independence encourage children to grow at their own pace, fully express their needs, and feel truly understood. This style of parenting is not the only way to guarantee a securely attached child, but in my experience and observations, I would hedge my bets that this path, broad though it can be, is a great way toward a smooth and minimally complicated relationship with children." -Bialik

"This is a book about how the American ideal of parenting doesn’t match the reality of our lives, and how that incompatibility is hurting parents and children. Because the expectation of a certain kind of parenthood—one where we’re perfect mothers who have perfect partners, where our biggest worry is whether or not to use cloth diapers—makes the real thing much more difficult to bear." -Valenti

"My pump, which came in a jaunty little nylon purse that looked like a 1990s Kate Spade knockoff, made a rhythmic sound when operating that sounded a little too much like House music for my comfort. There’s something about a club kid beat set to your breasts being tortured that makes the whole ridiculous scenario feel even crueler." (Haha!) -Valenti

"Vast amounts of research show that children do best when they’re raised by a community of people—parents, grandparents, friends, and neighbors. It’s in our DNA—we are social beings, and we should be raised as such. Yes, mothers are important, but not because we are women or because we’re biologically related (or not) to our children. We’re important because we’re one of the people that love and care for a growing human. But if we want to take some joy in that experience, we need to let go of the notion that we are the only ones who can do it correctly, and that if we are doing it right, it should mean some sort of suffering or tremendous self-sacrifice." -Valenti

What I'm reading next: Possession by A.S. Byatt

Review: Birthing a Mother by Elly Teman

via

 Reviewed by Christina

Published: 2010

Complete Title: Birthing a Mother: The Surrogate Body and the Pregnant Self


It's about: (from the back cover) "Birthing a Mother is the first ethnography to explore the intimate experience of gestational surrogate motherhood.  In this insightful and beautifully written book, Elly Teman shows how surrogates and intended mothers carefully negotiate their cooperative endeavor.  Drawing on anthropological fieldwork among Jewish Israeli women, interspersed with cross-cultural perspectives of surrogacy in the global context, Teman traces the processes by which surrogates relinquish any maternal claim to the babies they carry even as intended mothers accomplish a complicated transition to motherhood.  Teman's groundbreaking analysis reveals that surrogates develop profound and lasting bonds with intended mothers even as they psychologically and emotionally disengage from the babies."
(I couldn't come up with a summary to rival that neat little abstract.)

I thought:  Yes!  Finally, a scholarly look at the surrogate experience!  The world of fertility and birth is such an emotionally charged one, and in my search for fictional and nonfictional texts about surrogacy I found nothing rational until stumbling upon Birthing a Mother on Amazon.  Most published and electronic material about this subject seems to fall clearly on one side of the fence; we have the "babies are a priceless gift from heaven and surrogates are the sweet and selfless angels who bring them" side, and then there's the radfem "surrogacy is by nature exploitative, patriarchal, and morally reprehensible" side.  Elly Teman examines the whole picture from the points of view of surrogates and intended mothers, all the while drawing in cultural, political, religious and feminist perspectives.  Her conclusions are enlightening.

As a surrogate myself, I did read this book with a certain bias.  It's easy for me to feel that I know the surrogate experience better than any researcher can, since I'm living it myself.  And my insider perspective makes some generalizations hard to swallow.  Ms. Teman extrapolates overarching ideas from interviews she conducted, and sometimes those ideas seemed... stretched.  For example, a good-sized section of the book describes a sub-conscious "body-mapping" process in which surrogates disengage from certain parts of their bodies, especially the uterus, in order to avoid bonding and connecting with the baby.  The theory makes sense in a way, and Teman develops it well, backing it up with surrogates' own testimonies: Israeli surrogates said that they didn't want to touch their own swollen bellies, that they sometimes forgot they were pregnant, that they were uninterested in viewing ultrasound images of the babies within them, etc.  But because I feel pretty confident that I haven't engaged in "body-mapping" myself (I still feel very connected to my uterus, thank you very much), it's hard for me to believe that it's a common, important part of the surrogate experience.  Then again, she does such a fabulous job of pointing out cultural influences, especially Israel's pronatalism, that I can't say for certain that she isn't absolutely right about the subset of women in her research. 

In general, I found Birthing a Mother refreshing and invigorating.  It's probably the most scholarly thing I've read since I graduated from college ages ago; rather than being a narrative or straight up information, it's a collection of well-organized, novel ideas that have been drawn from original research.  And there are SO MANY fascinating ideas!  The inner workings of the relationships that surrogates and intended mothers develop, the cross-cultural aspects that differentiate surrogacy experiences in different parts of the world, the examination of surrogacy as a postmodern form of reproduction, the potential for surrogate exploitation by the body politic... I learned so much from Birthing a Mother.  I came away from the reading experience in awe of the staggering workload Elly Teman must have shouldered for years to produce this book, and I'm grateful to her for it.

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf.  It's a must-read if you really want to understand the surrogate perspective.

Reading Recommendations: Get ready to dig in and think on this one.  If you're looking for a fluffier surrogacy story, try Then Came You.

Warnings: none

Favorite excerpts: My favorite conclusion, framing a surrogate's pregnancy/birth journey as a quest and addressing the question of whether or not surrogacy is exploitation:
"As Frank suggests in his examination of illness narratives, the 'truth of stories is not in what was experienced, but equally what becomes experience in the telling and its reception.'  The 'high' that surrogates say they feel at the end of the process can be seen literally as an effect of the heights of power they have reached in their experience of the quest.  This high represents the transcendent moment that is produced after the surrogate has disengaged her self from parts of her body, subdued her nature, battled material circumstances, and ascended in the pantheon of creation.  She has been joined together with the intended mother in a unity and has passed the tests of her sacred quest by showing courage and bravery.  Her 'high' is thus an effect of this moment of self-realization, an indescribable moment that may be likened to what Otto termed 'the experience of the holy.'  Consequently, although all signs may point to the surrogate's objectification and victimization, she experiences surrogacy as a liberating process in which she temporarily accesses what was once the feminine domain of creation."

What I'm reading next:  The Meaning of Night by Michael Cox

Review: Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

fan with nushu script

Reviewed by Connie

Published: 2005

It's about: "This novel takes place in 19th century China, when girls had their feet bound, then spent the rest of their lives in seclusion with only a single window from which to see. Illiterate and isolated, they were not expected to think, be creative, or have emotions. But in one remote county, women developed their own secret code, nu shu – "women's writing" – the only gender-based written language to have been found in the world. Some girls were paired as "old-sames" in emotional matches that lasted throughout their lives. They painted letters on fans, embroidered messages on handkerchiefs, and composed stories, thereby reaching out of their windows to share their hopes, dreams, and accomplishments. An old woman tells of her relationship with her "old-same," their arranged marriages, and the joys and tragedies of motherhood—until a terrible misunderstanding written on their secret fan threatens to tear them apart." (taken from the book website)

I thought: The historical aspects of this novel are fascinating. As a woman with a background in literature and women's studies, I was particularly interested in a woman's role in 19th century Chinese culture and the secret nushu script, which I had never heard of. The scenes describing footbinding were especially interesting/gruesome/shocking. I knew they wanted little feet, but did you know the ideal foot size was 7 centimeters, or the size of a THUMB? So they systematically broke all the bones in their feet. HOLY---.

Aside from the interesting historical elements, I was also captivated by the depiction of an intimate friendship between women and the emotional truth with which See tells it. Any female who has had a female best friend will most likely deeply connect with their story. And it's told in very lyrical prose, which adds another dimension to reading about the friendship.

BUT -- there is a but. I found the ending unsatisfying. By the end of the book, I felt like I had invested so much in Snow Flower and Lily's friendship that they -- and I -- deserved more. After really enjoying the entire book, I finished it feeling very unsatisfied, even cheated.

Verdict: Despite the disappointing ending, I would still stick it on the shelf

Reading Recommendations: I'm not sure that most men would appreciate this story, but as a woman, I really connected with it. I would recommend it to a woman who enjoys novels with historical elements.

Warnings: mild references to "bed business" and one pretty mild scene of physical intimacy (not sex) between two young girls

Favorite excerpts:
"Anyone who says that women do not have influence in men's decisions makes a vast and stupid mistake."

"We [daughters] may be worthless. We may be raised for another family. But often we are loved and cherished, despite our natal families' best efforts not to have feelings for us... Maybe as parents we try not to care. I tried not to care about my daughter, but what could I do? She nursed at my breast like my sons had, she cried her tears in my lap, and she honored me by becoming a good and talented woman in nu shu."

What I'm reading next: Memories of my Melancholy Whores by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Review: Perfect Madness by Judith Warner

Anne Taintor

Reviewed by Christina

Published: 2005

Full Title: Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety

It's about:  This righteously angry treatise explores the societal and historical pressures that create a burden of stressful expectations for middle-class mothers in America.  Ms. Warner explains how evolving parenting trends and cultural attitudes toward motherhood have culminated in our current unhealthy situation.  Working Moms and stay-at-homers alike tend toward perfectionism, continuous self-sacrifice, and ever increasing control-freakishness.  The author tells how we got here, why it's wrong, and how to fix the situation. 

I thought: Well.  I thought this was a pretty fascinating read, despite the fact that it not everything in it rings true for my generation of mommies.  The book is only seven years old, but the women quoted are closer to my mother's age than my own and the then-current statistics and situations Ms. Warner uses are from the period when I was in high school and college.  But still, I get it.  I feel for these women and their families: the endless list of "should"s, the constant procession of meaningless tasks day after day, the pain of feeling pressured to give every part of yourself to your kids.

There's some annoying melodrama in the writing style: someone's "words crackled like lightning" and sentences like "When the mommy light fades, will [the children] shiver in the dark?"  Ughhhh.  I have to fight not to snicker and/or roll my eyes when I read things like that, even if I do agree with the author's general premise and most of the arguments she makes.  People get worked up so easily about the "Mommy War" issues; there's really no need to try to pointedly ramp up the reader's emotions.  I am also not wild about the red and black cover that seems to scream "DANGER!" and "WARNING!" 

Perfect Madness is an interesting combination of forms: one-third personal essay, one-third informal history of American motherhood and feminism, and one-third reporting on and quotations from the interviews Ms. Warner held with hundreds of mothers.  The end result is 100% RANT, but since it's a rant I agree with, I didn't mind in the least.  I loved the parallels between mothering styles of the past and those of today, especially the comparisons between 1960's perfecto-moms and today's supermoms.  I think the similarities have even increased since this book was published, thanks to Mommy Blogs and the new coolness of craftiness.  And I completely agree with Judith Warner's argument that society (read: lawmakers) needs to step in and actually support families with more than lip service.  

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf!  It's not perfect, and it needs an update.  But it's still a well-written, well-researched, well-argued tract on an important subject.

Reading Recommendations: Obvs, moms will probably like this the best.  If you dig opinionated reporting and care about the lives of middle-class mothers, it's a pretty quick read.

Warnings: One chapter discusses marital sex in some detail.  One rather surprising swear word that I remember.

What I'm reading next: Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner  (my very first chick lit!)

Review: The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks

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Reviewed by Connie and Christina

Published: 2012

It's about: Joanna Brooks, author of popular blog AskMormonGirl, is a modern-day Mormon feminist intellectual. In this revealing memoir, Joanna describes her conflicted relationship with the Latter-Day Saint (Mormon) church, from growing up eating green jello and idolizing Marie Osmond, to attending Brigham Young University, to finding herself at odds with the church's position on gay marriage and leaving it, to finding her way back and taking her children with her.

Christina thought: In the past, I've done some hardcore complaining about self-published books. I had all but given up on them because I can't handle the lack of editing and proofreading. Then guess who came along and changed my mind? Ms. Joanna Brooks. The Book of Mormon Girl is beautifully edited and free of typos and mistakes; the quality is at least as high as any mass-produced book. But that's one of the more minor things I loved about tBOMG.

What stood out to me most, personally, was how closely I could relate to Ms. Brooks' life and struggle. So I kept trying to imagine reading this from a non-Mormon or non-liberal Mormon perspective. And when I did, I didn't stop enjoying it. Thanks to the clear, subtly poetic writing and well-stated explanations of Mormon culture, The Book of Mormon Girl isn't just for frustrated LDS Feminists. It is a very emotional memoir. But then, one's personal relationship to religion IS emotional. I'm not sure I would appreciate the feelings-laden narrative as much if it didn't so closely mirror my own life.

I couldn't help comparing tBOMG to another Mormon memoir I read fairly recently: The New York Regional Mormon Space-Hogging Name. I enjoyed TNYRMSHD, but next to tBOMG it seems terribly shallow and silly. Maybe it's not really fair to compare the two. Elna Baker is a comedian; her purpose is to entertain. Joanna Brooks is an academic and an artist; her purpose is to inform and express. If you're curious about Mormon culture but didn't love Elna, or if you just want a more serious, artful memoir, you've got to pick up The Book of Mormon Girl.

Connie thought: Christina said it all. This is an incredibly well-written, intelligent but emotional look at the Mormon religion through the eyes of a Mormon feminist intellectual, which is why Ingrid, Christina, and I all really related (there are more of us than you'd think!). I was blown away by how Joanna balances honesty about certain less savory aspects of LDS history and culture with a profound love and respect for the religion and its heritage.

Unlike other Mormon or ex-Mormon memoirs I have encountered, this one is undeniably fair, and it fills a much-needed niche. This is the Mormon memoir we've been waiting for. I couldn't agree more with Christina's comparison to Elna Baker's memoir, which I didn't especially enjoy. Misguided, is what I'd call it. While Elna is overly critical of other members of her faith, setting herself up as the only normal Mormon in the world, so to speak, Joanna writes her memoir to reach out to others like herself, "because no one should be left to believe that she is the only one."

Perhaps the most impressive aspect of Joanna's memoir is her rather poetic call for more love in the world in the final chapter of the book. Here is a glimpse of it:

"I want a faith as welcoming as a Pioneer Day dinner table set with a thousand cream-of-chicken-soup casseroles and wedding-present crockpots, a table with room enough for everyone: male and female, black and white, gay and straight, perfect and imperfect, orthodox or unorthodox, Mormon, Jew, or Gentile." 

That entire final chapter is terribly moving. In case you still can't tell, I loved. I loved. I loved this book.

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf

Reading Recommendations: People who should read this book:

• Non-Mormons who dislike Mormons because of things like Glenn Beck and the Prop 8 Mess.
• Conservative Mormons who have trouble understanding liberal Mormons
• Anyone who feels alienated within or without the Church

Warnings: none

Favorite excerpts:
"No one says: I laid on the floor of the Venice Beach apartment and Parliament was on the record player and my friend and I, we looked at the ceiling, and I waved the smoke from the air with the back of my hand, and when he asked 'Help me understand what this Mormonism means to you?' I said 'it is my first language, my mother tongue, my family, my people, my home; it is my heart, my heart, my heart.'"

"Every Mormon carries with them a bundle of stories like a suitcase of family secrets. Polygamous ancestors we have learned to be ashamed of. Histories that reveal the human flaws of the ones who came before us. Doctrines we dare not mention in public for fear of ridicule. Sacrifices we refuse to believe God would ask of us. Stories of loss that do not end neatly with restoration and stories of leaving that do not conclude with the return home...I am not afraid of them. Because this is the story life has given me to tell."

"This is a church of tenderness and arrogance, of sparkling differences and human failings. There is no unmixing the two."

Review: The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

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Reviewed by Connie

Published: 1985

It's about: Offred is a Handmaid in the Republic of Gilead. She may leave the home of the Commander and his wife once a day to walk to food markets whose signs are now pictures instead of words because women are no longer allowed to read. She must lie on her back once a month and pray that the Commander makes her pregnant, because in an age of declining fertility, Offred and the other Handmaids are valued only if their ovaries are viable. Offred can remember the years before, when she lived and made love with her husband, Luke; when she played with and protected her daughter; when she had a job, money of her own, and access to knowledge. But all of that is gone now... (stolen from Goodreads this time)

I thought: I think it's important to mention that one of my very favorite books is 1984 by George Orwell, and it is the standard against which I hold every other dystopian novel I read. As such, I had a complicated experience with The Handmaid's Tale.

Atwood's writing style is beyond reproach, and she appears, above all, to be a talented storyteller. Her main character, Offred, is interesting and complex enough to invest interest in, which is pretty significant, considered the majority of the book consists of her inner monologue. And I loved how woman-power it was. Atwood is very successful in depicting many different women's reactions and attitudes toward the patriarchal takeover, so in that sense the book is pretty realistic. Though most of them are boiled down to the basics, when I would meet another woman, I would have the feeling that I'd met that woman before. To put it briefly, Atwood gets women.

Although this is a dystopia, I thought much of the most insightful social commentaries are relatively understated-- slipped in here and there, so if you weren't paying close enough attention, you might miss it. Like this:

"The Marthas are not supposed to fraternize with us. Fraternize means to behave like a brother. Luke told me that. He said there was no corresponding word that meant to behave like a sister. Sororize, it would have to be, he said. From the Latin."

And parts of the book certainly are moving and insightful and, occasionally, chillingly prophetic, especially read in a post-9/11 context.

However, I didn't absolutely love the book. The tale begins in the midst of the dystopian government's reign, and the history of how the government came to power and the explanation of the new society's rules are gradually disclosed. In some ways, this strategy works-- Offred describes it as "reconstructing" her life bit by bit, so when the trauma of such an upheaval is considered, the disjointed narrative seems the way to go. BUT, I found the necessary "suspension of disbelief" more difficult because of that structure. Without knowing the history and rules of the society for the beginning half of the novel, the whole situation seemed almost too far-fetched to be truly thought-provoking.

Ingrid and Christina both loved this novel, and if I remember correctly, at least one of them referred to it as life-changing. I read this with the intention of adding my approving voice, but my initial reaction was more reserved. After finishing it, I didn't find myself contemplating it, as I couldn't help but do with 1984. I didn't find in Atwood's book the same depth or the emotional impact of Orwell's. 1984 shakes you to the very foundation and demands that you reanalyze your most preciously held beliefs. For the first week or so after reading Atwood's book, I believed that The Handmaid's Tale doesn't demand as much introspection, and really, what's a dystopian novel for if not to provoke introspection?

Now, having been removed from the book for over a week, I find myself rethinking my original conclusion. I have found that while Atwood's dystopia doesn't thunder and shake like Orwell's, it quietly plants a seed of thought. As I have revisited the book to write this review, reading over passages I had highlighted, I have found myself thinking about it more and more. I believe I will need to re-read this book to truly appreciate or understand it, and I plan to.

Verdict: On the Shelf

Warnings: A couple mild descriptions of sex

Favorite excerpts:
"The Republic of Gilead, said Aunt Lydia, knows no bounds. Gilead is within you."

"There's time to spare. This is one of the things I wasn't prepared for -- the amount of unfilled time, the long parentheses of nothing. Time as white as sound. If only I could embroider. Weave, knit, something to do with my hands. I want a cigarette. I remember walking in art galleries, through the nineteenth century: the obsession they had then with harems. Dozens of paintings of harems, fat women lolling on divans, turbans on their heads or velvet caps, being fanned with peacock tails, a eunuch in the background standing guard. Studies of sedentary flesh, painted by men who'd never been there. These pictures were supposed to be erotic, and I thought they were, at the time; but I see now what they were really about. They were paintings about suspended animation; about waiting, about objects not in use.

They were paintings about boredom. But maybe boredom is erotic, when women do it, for men."

What I'm reading next: The Book of Mormon Girl by Joanna Brooks

Purchase The Handmaid's Tale on Amazon.com

Review: Reading Women by Stephanie Staal

Reading Women: How the Great Books of Feminism Changed My Life by Stephanie Staal


Reviewed by Ingrid

Published: 2011

It's about: 10 years after having graduated from Barnard University with a degree in Anthropology, Stephanie Staal finds herself married, mother of a baby girl, and working from home in the suburbs. Slightly uncomfortable with the way life had turned out for her, Staal decides to pick up Betty Friedan's feminist classic The Feminine Mystique. Surprised to find that she responds so differently to a text she studied and found rather boring in college, Staal decides to re-enroll in the Feminist Texts class she took as a sophomore. In this memoir, she outlines the books that affected her the most, and discusses how her reaction to these texts changed dramatically as she sees them from her new point of view.

I thought: This book got mixed reviews on Goodreads. A lot of readers seemed to be irritated that Staal didn't adequately include everything important about feminism in her dialogue, and they don't like that she comes from such a privelaged background. I think these readers are missing something very important - this is a memoir, not a textbook. You just can't critique a memoir the same way you could critique a general non-fiction book. However, I LOVED the personal point of view Stall brought to a topic that is all too often convoluted (ahem, Judith Butler.) I'm in a point of my life now when I am starting to confront these issues. I've been married for a year and a half, I'm still young, but pretty soon I'm going to have to face ... dun dun dun ... kids. I come from a very conservative background that encourages women to marry young, have kids as soon as possible and have a lot of them. I know I want kids, eventually, but I'm already starting to feel the pressure.

Because of this, I could relate to Staal in a lot of ways. I consider myself a feminist. I also consider myself quite a bit more liberal than most people of my background. But at the same time, I want a family. How can I live up to my full potential while also taking on all the time-consuming responsibility of raising kids? This is the same question Staal is facing, and it is with this specific conflict in mind that she approaches the classic books of feminism.

There were a few things that weren't perfect about this book. There are quite a few clichéd phrases, and at times it felt like Staal was stretching a little far to make everything fit together. But really, those things didn't bother me as much as they normally would because I was so engrossed in her thoughts and her story.

In a word, I loved this book. (Actually that's four words.)

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf.


Reading Recommendations: I would especially recommend this book to other women like me who have strong opinions about feminism but also find themselves trying to balance these opinions with the desire to be a wife and a mother.

Warnings: One very descriptive and graphic sex scene excerpted from Henry Miller's Sexus.

Favorite excerpts:
On Virginia Woolf -
"Her prose is frenetic, an exercise in the anarchic wanderings of the mind, thought stumbling over thought, facts and ideas contradicting each other. Woolf writes of a mind divided against itself, ever struggling to coalesce a sense of self from all the bits and pieces of thought, experience, emotion.
     Crowded into an urban apartment, working to regain my professional footing, keeping watch of a young child, I thought about Virginia Woolf's conditions for female creativity. If I had the money--five hundred pounds converted into U.S. currency and adjusted for inflation, of course--and a room of my own, which I sort of had here by the kitchen, was that really all it would take? My daughter pounded on the door of my home office. "Mommy? Mommy? Mommy?" I stopped typing. the words of the sentence I had been writing now scattered, the muse frightened away. I swung open the door in a motion of irritation. And there stood my daughter, holding out to me a piece of paper with a poem she had written, her expression serious and proud. "Mommy," she said, "I wrote this for you."

What I'm reading next: The Marbled Swarm by Dennis Cooper

Review: The Literary Ladies' Guide to the Writing Life by Nava Atlas

Reviewed by Connie

Published: 2011
*I received a free review copy of this book in exchange for an honest review

It's about: This beautiful, beautiful book explores the lives of women writers today by including thoughts from the journals, letters, and books of such female literary greats as Virginia Woolf (you all know I'm cookoo for Virginia), Anais Nin, Madeleine L'Engle, George Sands, Willa Cather, Edna Ferber, Edith Wharton, and more. It covers nearly every aspect of a writer's life, from balancing children and writing to overcoming fear of rejection to fighting the battle to get published.

I thought: This book... is a beauty. Of all the books I have received from publishers to review, this puts every other book to shame. This is a book I would pay plenty of money for. (Lucky for me, though, I didn't need to). I have actually had it for quite a while, because I have been savoring it, digesting it morsel by delicious morsel. Not only are the quotes included fantastic, but the layout of the book (Nava Atlas studied graphic design and so designed the book as well as wrote it) is gorgeous. Each page is just full of glossy goodness.

I love this book so much I feel stupid writing about it, because I can't seem to find any educated-sounding words to describe it: "It's great, uh, it's really great, it's awesome, you should totally read it." For any woman (or even man, I think this could appeal to a male audience as well) who is at all interested in writing, or who has ever picked up a pen, who has ever kept a journal, or who has ever at some moment considered submitting something for publication, this book is a must read. It was honestly the perfect book for me in so many ways, and it's one that I will treasure and revisit for years to come. It made me want to keep closing the book and start my own writing project.

As a side note, I feel like Nava Atlas is my soul sister. Not only did she write this wonderful specimen of female-empowering, literary celebration, but she also has written a series of vegetarian cookbooks that I use in the kitchen religiously. One that I have yet to get a hold of, Vegetariana, apparently includes literary quotes dispersed throughout. Seriously. Soul sister. (Hey Nava, if you're reading this, let's have lunch!)

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf!!!! Here's the handy dandy link so you can go buy it right now.

Reading Recommendations: Like the sound of this book? Nava Atlas runs a blog called "Dear Literary Ladies," on which she posts quotes from literary ladies in response to female writers' questions. It's pretty cool.

Warnings: Reading this book may cause extreme excitement and may induce an inability to speak in an educated manner.

Favorite excerpts:
Here is a quote from Madeleine L'Engle that gives you some idea of the gems included in the book:
"When we write and are published, we become naked before people... it's hard for us to open ourselves to rebuff. I bleed from bad reviews, even though I have been very blessed in getting many more good reviews than bad reviews. But like every other writer I know, when you get ninety-nine good reviews and one bad review, what review stays in your mind? The bad one. And why? Because it awakens our own doubts. Did I really serve the work? Did I really hear it? Could she really be right and I haven't done as I should have? If you're going to write and be published, you've got to expect to have a few arrows thrown at you. They're going to hurt, and you're going to bleed. You're probably going to cry if you're like me. But that's just part of it and you have to learn."

And here's a snippet of Nava Atlas's writing:
"Today, women are freer from the social imperative to bear children, but I expect that more women writers than ever do choose to have them. Though it's never easy, it's good to know that women can rock the cradle with one hand and rock the world with the other."

What I'm reading next: Alfred and Emily by Doris Lessing

Review: The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith

Reviewed by Connie

Published: 2003

It's about: This book (and the subsequent 11 books in the series) narrates the adventures of Mma Precious Ramotswe, an African woman of "traditional build" (also referred to as a "fat woman"), who opens up a detective agency in Botswana, becoming the first and only lady detective in the country.

I thought: I was turned off by this book for a long time. Not being particularly interested in mystery and also wary of popular fiction and "bestsellers", I steered clear of this book for many years before getting off my high horse and deciding to give it a shot (in other words, I live in a tiny town with a library that has a VERY limited selection of audio books, and this was one of the only slightly appealing options). I have to say, I am glad that I did!

I found the novel and its protagonist surprisingly fresh and endearing. This is not your typical detective fiction, featuring a know-it-all detective who's made out to be much smarter than you and figures out the mystery chapters before Sherlock -- excuse me, I mean he or she -- reveals it all rather condescendingly, at which point the reader has the ooooooooh! moment. Though many enjoy these types of books, I have no patience for them.

Instead, McCall Smith gives us Precious Ramotswe, an average woman with good instincts who is training herself to be more perceptive. She doesn't always know what she's doing (Two of her first jobs "tailing" someone resulted in the subjects approaching her and asking why she was following them), and the reader figures out little mysteries along with her, and they certainly aren't devoid of humor.

The book also addresses concerns specific to its setting, Botswana, which added another level to the narrative. Though not a native, the author lived there for many years and so has some degree of authority.

To briefly mention the less-than-wonderful aspects, even as one who studies women's studies and literature, I grew tired in the first half of the book of the many, many cases that had to do with how horrible men are. Also, I am not convinced that the author developed Mma Ramotswe fully enough to justify the ending, for those who have read it -- I don't want to give anything away.

Verdict: Stick it on the shelf 


Reading Recommendations: This is a light, fun read for my fellow mystery fiction skeptics.

Warnings: None

What I'm reading next: The Honk and Holler Opening Soon by Billie Letts

Review: Eleanor Roosevelt's Life of Soul Searching and Self Discovery by Ann Atkins

Reviewed by Connie

Published: 2011

It's about: This "Flash History" publication purports to give a condensed version of Eleanor Roosevelt's remarkable life, from childhood to First Lady to UN delegate and negotiator.

I thought: In a word -- disappointing. However, no book is wholly without its merits, so allow me to list those before enumerating my disappointments. Atkins succeeds to some degree in portraying Eleanor's insecurities, highlighting the fact that her journey to greatness was just that -- a journey -- and that she did not spring from the womb a fully-developed, confident, outspoken advocate of human rights. This is to the book's credit. Plus, Atkins resists the urge to gloss over some of Eleanor's early views that contradict her later ones, including even slightly Anti-Semitic comments from a young Eleanor's personal letter. But the book's greatest strengths lie in the occasional personal anecdote from Eleanor's life and, above all, the excerpts from Eleanor's journals and other writings. They are well-selected and often very moving. Indeed, Eleanor's skill with prose is a welcome relief from the generally low quality of writing throughout the rest of the book.

Which leads me to my disappointments. My first impression upon reading even the first few lines was, What terrible editing. Surely this book has never seen an editor's desk. Compounded with a page design that was obviously done by someone (not all too apt) in Microsoft Word, it is difficult to look beyond these basic and glaring deficiencies to judge the text of itself. Unfortunately, once I did, my disappointment was hardly abated. The quality of writing is generally sub-standard, even for a younger audience, to which this book is presumably aimed. It is also written in present tense, which reads awkwardly in a biography. Then throw in some ill-placed authorial opinions and judgments on some historical figures, and the picture of this book isn't too pretty.

Verdict: Though I appreciate the aim and research of the book, unfortunately I have to put this one in the rubbish bin.

Reading Recommendations: I will be looking for a more complete biography on this incredible woman, and I would suggest that you forego this one and look for another along with me.

Warnings: None

Favorite excerpts:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

What I'm reading next: The Literary Ladies' Guide to the Writing Life by Nava Atlas

*I received a review copy of this book in exchange for an honest review